Another Carrie Bradshaw moment

This is a piece I wrote in the diary section of my account in boyfriend.dk ("the largest Danish online community for homosexuals", says in their banner). In that website, like other gay dating websites, when one sends a message to another, one can go to the Sent folder and check if the recipient has read the message: envelope icon if it's unread, notepad icon if it's read, and trash can icon if it was deleted--read or unread.

There should be an option to NOT see when the recipient has read our message.

It starts to be an instrument of torture when you click on the Sent tab and see that he has read the message. In it you asked a question and it needed a reply. True, the reply is not that urgent but it would do you a big favor if he replied Now. It's not that crucial but his reply would determine whether you'd see each other again in the future or not.

Some people make it easy. They don't reply but then you see the trash can icon beside your letter, which means it was deleted. You call it a day, it was his loss, etc etc and move on with your life.

But he doesn't delete it.

It would have been easier if he was offline. Maybe he read the letter and didn't have time to type a response. There is a big possibility of him writing back when he goes online again.

But he is online. There's a green icon beside his username--has been for the past hour or so. The letter remains read and not deleted. Not yet.

Your mind starts to wander through the possibilities. Did he relegate you as the last option? Is he chatting up with other guys and then when he comes empty-handed, he would write back? Is he too shy or too kind to reject you? Or is he completely ignoring you?

You want to send him a message again. One liner. Or just one word, like "Hi!" or "So?", just to let him know you're waiting for his reply.

But you don't want to do that. Online dating is tricky. One wrong move and you'd scare the guy away, as if he was a wild deer in a forest and you're a hunter that stepped on a dead twig that snapped a little too loud.

You'd want to appear cool and confident, as if guys like him come to you in droves. But the truth is that guys like him are few and come far in between. He has a radiant face, a body that shows that it has visited the gym many times, and a cock that makes its entire presence felt when it's inside you (unlike some that tickle you like a pinky). He doesn't bore you when he talks--at least, not yet. And he's tall but not too tall that you have to lift your head way up to look into his eyes. Just the right amount of tallness so that you feel like a girl should you walk beside him in the future.

So you think he's a catch. But then it occurs to you--so are you! By the usual standards, you believe you're not ugly. You've been going to the gym three times a week for more than a year. Your ass can take cocks as thick as your tiny wrists. You make people laugh with your witty remarks. You are well-read, and well-versed in pop culture. Most of all, despite your silly blunders and brief moments of prejudice, you believe that you're a good person.

You log off from Boyfriend, distance yourself from the computer and try washing the dishes while hoping against hope that before you go to bed, when you log in again to Boyfriend, there's a message waiting for you.

From him.

One word. "Sure!"